I always try to cover what I feel with crazy nights and laughter while my mind is in another world dealing with my disaster. Why do I do this? Why don’t I just deal? It’s because I have always been afraid to feel. Afraid of my own pain, too scared to feel the hurt. Afraid I won’t understand and I won’t find a solution that works.
So I put on a smile and I poke a little joke; I suggest crazy nights, in the hopes that my thoughts will go away. And my doubt will stop; I even put on a facade like I am really tough. I never hurt. But the truth is I am an open wound. The creations of my past, I seek happiness that never last. The drinks, the drugs, the self-mutilation. Even right down to my sexual cravings…I lived a life behind a wall and my addictions are the only way I know I am alive. I want to feel. I want to feel alive. I want to be open. I want to be true. I want to be felt. I am tired of experiencing life through a stained glass illusion.
I stay mute about the real. Feeling if I reveal all, no one would want to deal. I am afraid that people are looking through me. Seeing my flaws and faults. I become transparent to them. That means, to me -I am defenseless. I am without ammo. I am open for any attack. I feel like I am nothing. I feel nothing. I feel empty. I am numbness. And I’ve let myself become this. I am trying to learn how to heal
Until then, I am afraid to feel….
