It wasn’t more than two years ago, I was this spiritually in-tuned vegan warrior! I mean, I was intermittent fasting as a lifestyle-type warrior – who had to water fast two days every week because I was dedicated. So dedicated, in fact, meditations and yoga were how I would start my day; all driven by my sincere desire for oneness. That oneness is quite addictive because the connectivity allows you to feel your vitality and discover your power source. It felt like I was constantly communing with my highest self and possessing insane clarity!
Fasting was amazing for me, as it was a practice of discipline. At that time, that is all I wanted; to hear my ancestors, be spiritually guided, and be granted complete freedom through discipline. Not only did I walk it how I talked it, but I also encouraged others to do the same.
Now, fast-forward to December 2017, and the aforementioned warrior became a distant memory. I changed paths completely and everything I spent so long letting go of, I was now consuming. The act of disrespecting my truths left me feeling empty. I began looking for a way to fill it, and like a bad habit, I turned to food. Again.
Truly not my proudest moment, but my biggest mistake was going back and eating meat. The biggest challenge I faced at the time was depression and binge-eating, so adding meat to the mix caused serious devastation.
Even in my adolescence, I was never a meat eater, but specifically not big on red meat. It always left my stool bloody and my stomach a wreck, but there I was, burger in hand, living my best life.
SIKE!
Truthfully, none of my backsliding was fulfilling. Every burger I ate, every chicken wing I consumed, and dessert I ordered was only ever okay. And trust me when I say, I have tried it ALL! Didn’t matter, after that last bite, all the satisfaction turns into guilt and shame. I went from having perfect skin to breakouts, excessive mucus, the manifestation of an abscess, and just this unexplained heaviness. My focus faded, and my energy was in a constant state of fatigue. The food was not worth my integrity, but since I already fell off the horse, I felt too ashamed to come back. Wouldn’t that make me a hypocrite? Which, honestly, sent me deeper into my binging and recklessness.
Consumed with the physical, I gave in to every unhealthy desire; backtracking not only on my eating but my relationship with food. I silenced my own spirit. When the physical is steering in your life, all it looks for is comfort and spirit cannot share that space. Spirit would never leave you, but the cries for you to align with your Higher Self dulls.
Remember! I was a devout pescetarian turned vegan who hadn’t eaten lean or red meat in over seven years. In my eyes, I was committing to veganism for spiritual reasons. It was an act of heightening my energetic nature. My motto was I didn’t want any death on my plate – putting death into a living being, was asking for death. Dead plus life, still equals death and since energy transfers, I was no longer interested in the transference.
Here I am, staring down at this burger that smelled so heavenly. My mind and spirit are begging me to be stronger than the temptation before me, but my body only wants one thing – to consume.
This snowball into an identity crisis, and I was now looking at those same foods for liberation?!
Guess what food sent me into my rebellion?! Finding out honey wasn’t vegan in a Facebook group (which was only obvious after reading).
I know I am melodramatic but I SPIRALED LOL. Don’t come for me, lol. But no matter how melodramatic it was, it made me question everything. If I was ignorant about that, then what else am I ignorant of? It rattled my foundation. My sense of integrity felt beyond me now and my ego…well, bruised.
I danced with the idea of how easy was it to get comfortable with the idea of consuming dead energy. After years of protesting against putting dead energy off my plate, I rationalized my temptations.
This forbidden food felt as though it could liberate me. In my lostness, my lesson was that labels are as restrictive as they are liberating (this goes for the label Vegan too), so to me, the ultimate liberation act was sheer self-rebellion. Putting all my energy into aligning with the word Vegan, instead of staying with the Pescetarian life that served me so well for 6 years; instead of moving at MY tempo. I was convinced that my spiritual progression was based on veganism. So that truth about using honey in my tea exposed the lie I was telling myself. That someone else’s ideal of my spirituality was more important than my own ideals.
I allowed a fantasy to box me in. I wasn’t on the journey of veganism because of pure inspiration, I was doing it to validate something within myself. Not only that, but I was trying to prove I was worthy of my spirituality. I obviously had a lot of Abrahamic dogma to work through. The amount of pressure I placed myself to keep pushing was astronomical. So much so, I went vegan cold turkey. I didn’t give myself an effective timeframe to transition out of my old lifestyle. I didn’t detox for a smoother transition. I didn’t even understand my macronutrients and what they look like on a plant-based diet, I was just out there trying to attain an image.
So of course I am back at square one. I wasn’t moving in my alignment. In MY divine timing. I was moving on to an idea that didn’t originate from my spirit, it came from an external desire. And because of this, I paid a hefty price, my wellness. Disappointment. Loss of confidence. Fogginess
With all that being said, I wouldn’t change my journey for the world. I learned all of this in my two years of yo-yo plant-based living. I now know a better lifestyle for me is 80% plant-based, and 20% ‘just vibing, lol. Whatever that means. There is nothing wrong with having a specialized diet for yourself. Living in my alignment means my lifestyle doesn’t have to look like someone else’s to be worthy. Finding my own balance is what life is about. I don’t need a label to validate my work. To box me in and restrict my flow.
I am in no hurry, nor am I in competition. Whatever is meant for my life will come with ease, i.e. when it’s time to change, it naturally happens. I will no longer desire. That’s how I became a pescetarian in the first place. I was tired of poultry.
So yes, I still put honey in my tea!